Engagement
Add Task Who Date
Pregnancy test comes back positive.
Bride
12/31/1999
Shotgun/threats.
Bride
12/31/1999
Purchase engagement ring.
Groom
12/31/1999
Practice gestures to show off ring.
Bride
12/31/1999
Submit engagement information and photograph to newspapers if appropriate. Most newspapers will not actually print the words 'nyah nyah' so imply your superiority in your announcement copy.
B&G
02/06/2000
Obsessing Over Details
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Select a Church or other venue and a reception site. Prime sites can book up to 1 year early. This will help you secure color, decor and vendor choices. Find out if the church can be redecorated to fit your theme colors of teal and hot pink. Have a tantrum if they refuse.
Bride
01/07/2000
Select the Caterer, if not provided by the reception facility. Check to see if bartenders and staff are included. Help bartender practice making gin & tonics. Sleep with bartender.
Bride
01/30/2000
Political Negotiations
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Task
Who
Date
Select Attendants including Maid of Honor, Bridesmaids, Best Man, Groomsmen and Ushers, you will want 1 usher for every 50 guests. You can have fewer ushers if you give them flamethrowers.
B&G
01/13/2000
Start writing up the guest list. Wonder why you have so many stupid people in your family. Suspect that you were adopted.
B&G
03/30/2000
Realize that you hate all of the bridesmaids, and that they are all a bunch of stupid cows who can't appreciate your superior taste and intellect.
Bride
10/13/2000
Getting Dressed & Other Obsessive Behavior
Add Task Who Date
Shop for your Gown so that you may have time to agonize over the decision until no one will talk to you.
Bride
02/14/2000
Plan to diet, order gown 2 sizes too small.
Bride
02/14/2000
Choose attendants' dresses. You may wish to have your maid of honor help in the selection. But, since you're getting revenge for something she did when you were 8, you'll think Clown Suit.
Bride
04/29/2000
Realize that gown is now 3 sizes too small, thanks to all those cake tastings. Develop eating disorder.
Bride
10/14/2000
Enroll in bridal gift registry. Show unrestrained greed.
B&G
04/05/2000
Meet with the officiant to discuss the ceremony. Have any pre-wedding counseling required and discuss any special ceremony requests. Keep in mind that Catholic ceremonies generally do not include an invocation to Cthulhu.
B&G
06/29/2000
Order wedding ring(s) and any specialized engraving, or required body piercing.
B&G
06/29/2000
Finalize contracts and pay required deposits and bribes.
Bride
06/29/2000
Have the mothers choose their dresses making sure they know the style, formality and colors you have chosen. Right about now, the mother of the groom is having serious doubts about you.
Bride
07/05/2000
Research and reserve a block of rooms for out of town guests checking to see about shuttle services for airport and reception venue. Try to find a place that rents rooms by the hour.
Bride
07/05/2000
Reserve wedding night accommodations. Practice for wedding night.
Groom
07/12/2000
Begin planning reception including linen colors, china choices and centerpieces. No one will care about this but you, but you MUST agonize over it for months.
Bride
07/12/2000
Reserve rental equipment for the ceremony and reception including linens, tent, china or crystal, attractive guests, and fountains or arches if appropriate.
Bride
07/19/2000
Order invitations, RSVP cards, thank you cards, personalized stationary, and monogrammed toilet paper.
Bride
08/30/2000
Select the music for the ceremony including pre-ceremony seating, mothers seating, bridal party, processional, recessional and internal ceremony music. Talk groom out of using Rock You Like A Hurricaine for any of the above.
Bride
09/05/2000
Select tuxedos and have gentlemen measured so that they may be reserved. Powder blue is tres chic this year!
Bride
09/05/2000
Check with the County Clerk's office about requirements for marriage license which may involve a blood test. Study for blood test.
B&G
09/29/2000
Meet with the florist to decide on bouquets, corsages, boutonnieres, flowers for the ceremony and reception. Remember, if it holds still, it should be covered in flowers.
Bride
10/05/2000
Order the wedding cake and confirm delivery time and location. Decide against having a stripper jump out of it.
Bride
10/05/2000
Plan bridesmaids' luncheon for when all attendants will be in town. Actually, you'll have more fun if they aren't there, and it's just you and a bottle of champagne.
Bride
10/19/2000
Finalize ceremony details with officiant including any original vows. Writing your own vows is not recommended if you think Jewel is a great poet.
B&G
10/30/2000
Keep a record of gifts received. Follow up with warm, heartfelt thank you notes as soon as possible, but not more than 90 seconds after the gift is received.
Bride
11/05/2000
Prepare directions and maps for out of town guests. Direct them somewhere else, where they might actually have fun.
Bride
11/05/2000
Make sure all the attendants and other helpers have a copy of the wedding-day schedule, and can recite all 20 pages from memory. If they can't do it, use the cattle prod.
B&G
11/09/2000
Appoint someone to be guest book attendant and hand out programs if appropriate. Dress them in a jester costume.
Bride
11/09/2000
Make appointments with your hairstylist, makeup artist, Psychic Friends, and manicurist.
Bride
11/12/2000
Mail invitations to out of town guests you never liked in the first place.
Bride
11/13/2000
Select song for first dance and rehearse the first dance. If you feel insecure try a few lessons, or hire a stunt double.
B&G
11/13/2000
Purchase gifts for attendants and ushers. Resist the urge to get your wedding date engraved on them. No one cares.
B&G
11/19/2000
Shop for honeymoon and going away attire. Get out the kinky stuff!
B&G
11/19/2000
Order reception guest favors. Remember, everyone wants a plastic swan with your names on it!
Bride
11/19/2000
Do a hair, makeup and headpiece run through. Your hair should not be taller than your cake.
Bride
11/29/2000
Make a list for the photographer of the special pictures you want taken. Be sure to get a shot of the bride's huge white satin butt.
B&G
11/29/2000
Submit a song list to the musicians or music operator for ceremony and entrance order. Using the Star Trek theme for your processional only seems like a good idea.
Bride
11/29/2000
Pack wedding day attire and emergency kit to include extra hosiery, band aids, sewing kit, crackers and antacid, and semiautomatic weapons.
Bride
11/29/2000
Attend to legal matters such as joint checking account, credit cards, name and address change forms, prenup, and hiding all of your assets.
B&G
11/29/2000
Confirm last minute details with all vendors such as caterer, florist, bakery and officiant. Nag them endlessly.
Bride
11/29/2000
Visit county clerk's office and obtain marriage license. Get marriage license tag for groom's collar and leash.
B&G
11/30/2000
Address the wedding announcements to be mailed on the wedding day. Remember, if you don't use Love stamps, you're not legally married.
Bride
12/09/2000
Design the program for the ceremony and have it printed. Resist the urge to have a velvet painting of big-eyed children on the cover. Choose Elvis instead.
B&G
12/09/2000
Send photo and wedding announcement to the newspapers. Mix up and accidentally send nude photos of bride & groom.
B&G
12/09/2000
Call guests who have not RSVP'ed. Berate them mercilessly.
Bride
12/16/2000
Arrange seating plan for reception and prepare place cards and master list. Micromanage everyone.
B&G
12/16/2000
Ask someone to be on hand to run errands the day of the wedding. Ideally, this should be someone who wanted to marry the groom herself, which just adds to the thrill.
B&G
12/16/2000
Pick up honeymoon tickets, traveler's checks, and pack for honeymoon. Practice for wedding night.
Groom
12/16/2000
Men may wish to get a haircut and women may wish to have hair trimmed. Shave the groom's back.
B&G
12/16/2000
Make sure all wedding attire is ready, pressed and fits for the bride, groom, and wedding party. Go to the bar in your wedding attire.
B&G
12/16/2000
Make a checklist and timeline for your wedding day and give copies to everyone with duties. Stand on a dias with a bullhorn and deliver your orders.
B&G
12/16/2000
Host the bridesmaids' luncheon. Get drunk and admit that the bridesmaid dresses were chosen with revenge in mind.
Bride
12/22/2000
Confirm rehearsal plans with officiant, wedding party and confirm dinner reservations. Have serious reservations about bride.
Groom
12/22/2000
Complete place cards for the rehearsal dinner and review seating arrangements by making little dioramas with Ken and Barbie dolls.
B&G
12/22/2000
Review seating details for the ceremony with the ushers, like they care.
B&G
12/22/2000
Complete thank you notes for gifts received so far. Call groom a dickweed for not helping.
Bride
12/22/2000
Offer to send thank you notes via email. Duck when bride throws her letter opener at your head.
Groom
12/22/2000
Attend the bachelor party. Enough Said.
Groom
12/28/2000
The Big Day
Add Task Who Date
Delegate wedding-day responsibilities to dependable friends. Realize that you don't have any dependable friends.
B&G
12/22/2000
Arrange fees in envelopes for musicians, officiant, caterer and bakery and have Best Man give them to appropriate parties.
B&G
12/29/2000
Take money and go to Las Vegas.
Best Man
12/29/2000
Attend the wedding rehearsal and dinner, give attendants gifts. Throw a hissy fit about something trivial.
B&G
12/29/2000
Give marriage license and the gratuity for officiant to the Best Man, who will lose them.
B&G
12/29/2000
Sleep with Best Man
Bride
12/30/2000
Sleep with Maid of Honor.
Groom
12/30/2000
Sleep with Maid of Honor.
Bride
12/30/2000
Have hair and makeup done, remember that if a little eyeshadow is a good thing, a lot of eyeshadow is a better thing.
Bride
12/31/2000
Sign and witness the marriage license. Have Best Man mail it, if he isn't too drunk to stand up.
B&G
12/31/2000
Relax and enjoy your wedding day! Do remember to take time to eat and have at least one tantrum.
B&G
12/31/2000
